h1

approval.

August 27, 2009

I have a lot of guy friends. The why can be saved for another post, but the fact remains. And just the other day, I read this post. The girl is unhappy with her guy friend’s fiance. Tough position. But it got me thinking.

I don’t think I’ve ever fully approved of my guy friends’ girlfriends. I don’t think I ever will. To be honest, I’ve never spent any significant amount of time with their girlfriends, so my judgment is purely off a first impression or two. Perhaps the girlfriends would be cool if I spent some time getting to know them. But it never gets to that point. I never think the girl is a terrible person; she’s usually very nice. She’s just also usually not good enough. Or rather, I think my friends can do better. Weirdly, I do not have a similar problem, at least not to the same extent, with my girl friends’ boyfriends.

Then I thought that maybe it’s because I’m a girl and a girlfriend. And given that fact, I have a tendency to judge girls on the same level I judge myself. If they’re being obnoxious or ridiculous, they don’t get a pass because I try very hard not to be either (and I think I do a pretty good job). Oh, it’s that time of the month? Guess what – I have that too, and it’s definitely not an excuse. Ever. Since I’m not a boy, I can’t judge the boyfriends to the same degree. I have no personal experience to determine if it’s just a “boy thing” or if it’s a “bad boyfriend thing”. This makes it much easier for boyfriends.

I’ve pretty much come to terms with my lack of girlfriend approval. If my friends are happy, that’s good enough. I won’t say anything. Unless I think she’s a truly awful person, and then I’ll probably say something once and never mention it again. But in a strange way, I really do want all my guy friends to find girlfriends. More than I want my girl friends to find boyfriends. Weird how things work.

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4 comments

  1. I’ll offer the following possibility. As you said, you get along better with guys. (So does my wife) So that means something about you is predisposed to guy traits > girl traits. So you’re unconsciously likely to give the boyfriends a pass and see the girlfriends more critically. If you think about it – guys usually have different relationship flaws than girls so you just don’t like the types of things that girls tend to have wrong in relationships – or you’d probably have more girl friends. I know my wife constantly complains that she can’t put up with that girly BS. And most of her girl friends are kinda like “one of the guys”. Do you find that to be the case with your girl friends?

    So that part was based on what I’ve gleaned about you from this blog. Backing up a bit to generics…. For biological reasons guys tend to be more athletically competitive while girls are more socially competitive. So perhaps, because of these deep biological factors, any girl that’s “obnoxious” really irks you because she doesn’t deserve access to his genes? Maybe too ridiculous.

    As far as the period thing – do you call bs on it to your guy friends? I think some guys believe anything about that since they don’t have any experience. It’s in the same category as women who take advantage of pregnancy to be spoiled brats.

    With respect to your last paragraph – have you ever hesitated telling the guy that his girl is wrong for him because you’d be perceived as trying to steal her spot or have you been accused of such a thing? I’ve almost always had closer girl friends than guys and on a couple of occasions where I said something about it, I was accused of trying to steal the girl for myself. Of course, I was single at the time so it was easier to make that stick than it would be for you at present.

    One more thing for you to consider as to why these girls bother you so much and also why it doesn’t bother you with the boys your girl friends are dating. Being very close friends with someone of the opposite sex puts you in a very strange place emotionally (at least in my case). You’re more than friends but not actually a pair. For me, I always felt like my girl friends were…I can’t think of the right word or phrase, but I’ll try. I felt almost the same way I felt when I got cheated on by an actual girlfriend when my girl friends were dating a creep. I don’t know – that’s the closest emotion I can articulate. But it’s like – I know this is better – It’s like how dare this a-hole violate one of my girl friends? You know? I don’t know – but maybe you feel something like that when you see these guys being over backwards (not literally) for some obnoxious girl when he CLEARLY deserves someone better.

    Eh….I’m not sure if that made any sense or is a bunch of “psycho-babble BS” (to quote a great movie). Do with it as you will.


    • Your long comments are hard to respond to; I always feel like I might as well write another post to answer. Also, I love that you haven’t even been reading my blog for that long, and you probably have this whole idea of what I’m like.

      First, yes – I definitely let my guy friends know “that time of the month” is not a very good excuse. I’ve actually heard this more when they discuss their other girl friends than their significant other. Honestly, and this sounds terrible, but I think if it’s so bad that a girl needs to openly complain or make life awful for those around her, she needs to go to the doctor and get some pills.

      Second, I have thought about the fact that I might just be jealous. In fact, me potentially being jealous bothers me a little bit more than the girls themselves. I’m better than that! It’s not so much that I want to be the girlfriend, but I get used to being the only girl. And once there are other girls, the dynamic changes.

      Third, I don’t feel in a strange place with my guy friends. That being said, I do understand when it comes off that way. And as a girl, I would definitely be wary of a girl in a position like mine with my boyfriend. I have to constantly remind myself that he can have female friends just like I can have male friends.

      Last, I might not have a problem with the boyfriends because, in my experience, girls can be a lot more manipulative in relationships. Guys can be jerks, and the girl usually realizes it and just looks past it. Girls (and this is me stereotyping like crazy) have a tendency to make you feel bad for them or play the victim, and it’s often hard to tell when it’s true or when they just want something. Maybe I just need more confidence in my guy friends that they know what’s going on.


      • I’ve also found myself grappling with replying to a long comment in the comments or just making a new blog post. I usually write a new blog post if the person’s comments made me reflect and come up with more prose than just directly replying. Otherwise I just comment. I’ve also sometimes found myself wondering whether to reply to your blog or blog on my own and then do a trackback/pingback to yours. It’s all about keeping the conversation flow.

        I guess the fact that I “know” you from your blog really ties in well to your blog post about posting too much about yourself on your blog. On a semi-tangent, sometimes I wonder how we’d get along in person.

        As for the rest of your reply, I don’t have much more to add. Hope between my comment and your reply you learned a bit more about yourself. I know my original comment forced me to be reflective about some things I haven’t really thought through that thoroughly before.


  2. Apparently I bungled the easy HTML for the comment in my second reply. Darn.



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